I have nothing better to do right now

Hmmm... Let's just summarise everything.

• Been pissed off alot lately
• Exams melted my brain cells
• No time to do anything I want to do
• But waste my time on things I have to do

Yes. Basically all of this things pissed me off this week, and last week. You know what, it's been pissing me off alot recently. I think this blog post is just telling you how pissed off I am, huh? Well, I'm speaking the truth. I am very angry. :) See the irony? Actually, I'm just bored. And sleepy. And craving for bun bun. Nevermind. I'm bored. Bye.

Friends

There are lots of things I can say about friends, no matter if it's what you don't do or what you should do. Cause' there are lots of way to classify friends. Maybe the word "friend" itself is a strong word for you that you can't let just anyone have that title. Maybe "friend" to you can be just a random person on the street. Or maybe, "friend" to you doesn't exist anymore and you think everybody is just human that happens to make the world go round and you're surviving on your own. Well, I'm one of those people, and was one of the other two. As you grow up, you realise who are friends and what are friends. Mostly, people get disappointed cause' the BFFs forever they see on the Disney Channel doesn't really exist. Others may be lucky and find a real bestfriend. Some of them even turn out to be their partners for life, while the others realise the true colours of their "bestfriend" and leaves them with a gayish waving goodbye.
Well, I've learnt something from all this. At first I was thinking I can be anybody's friend, as long as I'm happy and everyone else is happy, I'm fine with it. As I grew up, I see even the quietest girl around me can turn out to be someone really unexpected. Till now, frankly, I still hate her, and she does too. I mean seriously, thise kind of stuff, I won't forgive and forget, really. And then I realise I'm surviving on my own, no friends, just classmates that just happen to make lots of noise during every class of the day. Then I met my clique now, Kurt and Sam, then I learnt from the past that I can't just let anybody be my friends, or I'll be betrayed or something ya'know? Then as days past, tell you the truth, their text every morning really surprised me. Though I know all along, I'll never be as close to them as they are together, but well, it made a difference seeing their messages every morning. Then fights come along, and I learn to just stay on the side or sit on the fence cause' frankly, I have no idea what to do. You stand here and the other gets angry, you stand there and the other is miserable. Then when the fight ends, everything comes back to normal. Then you're, again, behind everything and just tag along wherever they go. Some may call me a dog for doing that but I didn't give a shit. Then I came to church, and that's where my breakthrough came. Next I was spending so much time with my church friends that I just don't hang out with Kurt and Sam much. They told me about it but well, I was just thinking I needed to be happy and that happens when I'm in church or around with people from there. They were unhappy about it at first then it sort of worked out. Then I learnt that you can be anyone's friend, but not much people can be your real friends. Sometimes, it doesn't need to be all good people, some are good and some are bad, while the rest are both. Sometimes, it's okay to just laugh and not make things complicated and just let things go smoothly. We don't need everyone to be real true friends cause' they can't be. Like love, we need to wait for the right one. The one that truly understands you and believes in you as much as you believe in him/her. Someone that can not only cry to but cry together with. Someone that not only you talk to but you listen to. That's to me, a friend I can always rely on.
For now, I'm still searching, cause' I believe this kind of thing ain't forever. Who knows? Maybe after this year the clique splits, or when the cellgroup multiply we won't talk much to each other anymore? Anything can happen. Anything. So to everyone who cared to read this, all I can say is that friends come in different kinds, like a puzzle piece, and you'll find one that fits right next to you. (:

Hard to say; Harder to let go

It's been quite a long time since I even thought about that feeling. One, cause' I'm caught up with my exams, and two, I seriously have better things to do. Even if it's jamming with Abraham, or chatting with Kurt and Sam or even just playing my piano on my own, I rather do anything else in the world than remind myself about how pathetic I am. Yeah, I know I shouldn't think that way, but tell me specifically, how do you not think about it when everything in your face is telling you how pathetic you are? I would like to know that, seriously, I do. Not that I'm always emo and sad, and not that I'm the only one, I just choose to show my emotions cause' I know I'll be a bigger impact if I held it in. So I chose to stay like this, I'm moving on too, but I just can't let go of what happened before.
Try throwing your heart from the rooftop over and over again, till the heart's all dry up and has no blood at all. That's me right now, and even with that kind of hardness in me, I'm still afraid to let go, still afraid to get hurt once more, even if it's just the slightest little boo-boo on my finger. Call me weak, whatever, only those who have gone through this know how it feels, not only those who gone through it, but those who had mindsets related to mine. Try putting yourself in my shoes. Some just tell me that they know me, well you don't, none of you do. Cause' when I put myself to trust you, you disappoint me, so what's the use?
Out of the topic? Nope, just getting started. Hard to say aye? What is hard to say? How much I love you or how much I hate you? Hmmm.. Hate's a really strong word to use, let's just say how much I wish I had no emotions for that side of life. Sometimes, it's better not to know how is feels than knowing it. Both has it's pros and cons but in this case, I rather stay at home and rot than falling in love again. It's like a instant weapon that can just kill me at one shot, cause' that's how much I trusted love, that's how much I could have gave back, but no. Each one of them made me feel pathetic, no matter if it's facebook or MSN quotes, seriously, think I'm not looking? I'll be watching, I'll be reading, cause' only God can allow those few names to appear first every time on my facebook homepage. Now, I just think it's bullshit. And that impression will stay there for a long time. As if its for now, not the time, and never will be. I'll just stay like that. Really, disappointment fills up my that side of life. No smiles, no nothing. I think only some were actually with me to witness how weak I was during that time. Some used that as an advantage to stab me harder. Well, this is all I can say. fuck you.